Wednesday, January 9, 2008

נחית דרגא

Just one small point I wish to concentrate on today, and that is “feeling lucky”; Personally, I haven’t been to meetings of a romantically, or marriage oriented nature a great many times. But there was one girl (from Miami Beach) that I came in contact with in such a meeting, that I, over time, grew an emotional attachment with. Although I was, after a point of mutual satisfaction, ultimately rejected.

In my mind I pondered many things I could have done to stop that ‘evil decree’. But after a while I realized that my main problem was that she was just ‘out my league’ (i.e. in many ways, she was objectively ‘better’ than me). And it dawned on me that that was obviously why I was so interested in her; mainly because of her greater ‘class’ (so to speak). In other words; let’s say it worked out between us and we got married, what would she be thinking of me her whole life? “You know, honestly, I could really have done a lot better than that, I should have got rid of him while I was still able to”, and forget about what her mother would be saying to her for the rest of her life…

All I could think is “how was I deserving of her interest in me?”, and how ‘lucky’ I was to end up with this person. So my whole interest in her was in essence an interest in myself, in bettering my situation. As far as I was concerned, I would be the main person benefiting from the relationship. Is that not just egotistical self-love? The ideal relationship, in a way, is one where ‘they’ are the one who is interested in ‘you’; where they are the one who feels lucky to be with you.

The Talmud itself in Tractate Yebamot (63a) teaches us this great principle; נחית דרגא ונסב איתתא (“go down a step (a rung in the social ladder) and then marry”) are it’s ever famous words of practical relationship advice. And what definition of social class is there by men if not the attractiveness of their spouse. If so then, “going down a level” would to a large extent be defined as being less superficial, and more open to romantic interest in someone who doesn’t fit today’s subjective mold of what’s considered attractive. And anyone of a male orientation knows that to a man, says “don’t be so interested in looks”, is like telling a nine month pregnant woman who’s water broke to “put off childbirth for a few months”! Then how much more important is it in that case, to engrain in our minds that which king Solomon told us in the conclusion of his book of Proverbs “שקר החן והבל היופי, אשה יראת ה היא תתהלל”!

By the Jimmy Soul on this one, he knows what he's talking about!


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