Friday, August 28, 2009

To be Gotten

I'm not sure what inspired this, but I have recently been reflecting upon my previous dating experiences. Unlike all the unlikely dating horror stories that one might find on the "Bad for Shidduchim" blog, the girls I've dated, I feel, were for the most part very good people, and closely bordering on the type of person I would like to be married to.

One unfortunate aspect of my previous interactions though is what I considered to be a certain lack of true two-sided intellectual exchanges. What I mean to say is that while I consider myself a good listener who's curious about people, I've yet to see some of those traits in girls. I've recently attempted to tally how many of the young women I've come in contact with thus far have really "listened" to me, or actually "understood" me, and, unfortunately, the answer came out to none! There has never really been a girl who I felt honestly cared enough about my opinions on things. Yet, is that an accusation on them or myself? Perhaps I think too much of myself.

As I was walking in the street and reflecting on these things I passed a very self-absorbed child fiddling with some toy. I told myself that I am just as self-absorbed now as when I myself was five years old. Perhaps this absorption does not always take the form of fiddling with small objects, but can take the form of fiddling with a keyboard as well. The only person for whom finding-out about my thought-processes would make any sense is a psychologist.

Also, if any of you has been on a subway car in New York, you may have noticed that when couples speak, it is usually the man listening to his wife and not vice-versa. Women are generally more verbal. I myself am not very verbal, and even have slight speech-impediments. This also borders on the question of whether males and females are really meant to have a close social relationship, or whether they're intrinsically different and can never truly understand each other--which we shall not enter into.

Yet perhaps this entire concern is just another faulty product of my self-absorbed mind...

*The title is basically a reference to the 2002 Jennifer Aniston film "The Good Girl".


Lvnsm27 said...

I guess, like you say, maybe it's that women are more verbal and so the men do more listening.

However, I agree that women should also listen when men speak. I try to be a good listener with people

הצעיר שלמה בן רפאל לבית שריקי ס"ט said...

I mean, what I was getting at was a bit more than "listening" really (which was why it was in quotes). I meant seeing a person more-or-less in the same way they see themselves. Which is quite difficult actually.

..come to think of it, I probably haven't understood many people in that way myself. ..I mean, ...many people are kind of transparent, and there's nothing to "get" really. From my experience only a Small, minority of people are that "deep". ..but these ideas are so unempirical it's hard for me to speak of them with any honesty. It's all part of the "individual human experience" I guess.

..whoah, I'm really going on over here..

Lvnsm27 said...

It is very difficult since we're all so diff.
some are obvious, but some are not so, and it takes more observing because what we think is them, might be only part of them, but there's another part too.
But the more we find out, the more we see them as they see themselves. We can only find out though if they show us that part of their personality.

הצעיר שלמה בן רפאל לבית שריקי ס"ט said...

"We can only find out though if they show us that part of their personality"- Which in turn takes a good listener.. ...someone fascinated by people..

I mean, people are only as fascinating as we make them out to is in the eyes of the beholder..'s an acquired trait I guess, to be excited about people.. *sigh*, I'm going on again...maybe I'll make a post about this..