Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The Larry Phenomenon
As with many times in the past, I have recently found myself, friends, almost falling victim to the Larry Phenomenon. I spoke about this on the blog not long ago, but since I am now viewing it from a slightly different perceptive I wish to speak of it again. For further explanation regarding this phenomenon watching the video is an obvious necessity.
I have mentioned this in previous posts: My own experiences have proven that people usually like outgoing and personable people. I once mentioned on this very platform that while working in a Chinese restaurant in Manhattan I had a female coworker who seemed to defy a lot of my previous notions about social interactions. She was not very attractive, her personality was not quite magnetic etc., and yet she "forced herself into a position of likability by people". Of course I despised her and she seemed to understand that, but she seemed to get along quite well with most other people. This repugnant and unabashedly anti-Christian behavior of total self-aggrandizement seemed to have brought her a fair amount of social acceptance.
Yet the other possible result of such behavior is becoming a "Larry", someone who does not belong yet forces himself into a social group. I have an acquaintance here in my home Shtetl of Boro Park. He is an older Tel-Avivian bachelor, who I actually consider to be quite interesting, but who perhaps is not considered as such by all. Yet still he does in fact force himself upon people who might not be interested in talking with him or spending time with him. Obviously his outgoing personality does not allow him to become overly concerned with considering whether the person he's speaking to actually enjoys his presence. For myself, on the other hand, that can become a main concern when intruding upon individuals, especially in the case of females. ..while it is true that I must learn to overcome my timidity, I also have no interest in becoming a Larry. No sir, not at all, I have no stomach for it.
How then is one to determine if they are being a Larry? My mother was recently watching another dated film ("The Philadelphia Story") in which, basically, a charismatic man steals a woman away from not only her ex-husband but her fiance, when in fact he had little place speaking with her in the first place. Certainly he is no Larry! In fact he's Jimmy Stewart! This is no proof though, since even if Jimmy Stewart were to introduce himself with just as much gusto as Larry himself it would not lower his esteem in the eyes of those who met him.
Thus far my research has not been conclusive on this social phenomenon, yet I am still eager to come to a sound conclusion on this subject, since it so intimately affects my very self. Any ideas?
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11 comments:
I think the problem is that you, having obvious disgust for the Larry-type personality, go a bit too far the other way.
"For myself, on the other hand, that can become a main concern when intruding upon individuals, especially in the case of females." -- There is a difference between intruding and socializing.
You seem like someone who notices what is going on around you and is aware of other people, so I think that you would be able to see if those you were talking to were tired of your company. I guess it all boils down to observing their reaction to your presence. If you initiate a conversation and receive short, impersonal answers, you would see that you probably ARE considered an intruder. But if the person responds and continues the conversation, then why worry? As long as you know how to gracefully bow out when you see they don't want to talk to you, you should be fine.
Larry's problem was that even once he saw he wasn't welcome, he did not leave. He clung even more persistently.
This show brings back memories.... I used to watch the Pinky and the Brain when I was little.
And by the way, your previous post was quite interesting. Too bad you removed it.
"you...go a bit too far the other way."- I don't know. I was thinking about it recently and realized that sometimes I could be such a Larry "it's not even funny". ..but in essence I guess your right, the opposite is a recluse, ..which I am, so..
"There is a difference between intruding and socializing"- It's a very fine line madame, don't you think? In a way all initial socializing is an "intrusion". You're risking rejection for the possibility of acceptance. Think about the kind of cocktail party where you have to walk over to the person you're interested in and start a conversation. Let's say you're a mathematician who can only talk about math (not to mention being ugly) and the woman you chose to speak to takes no interest in math or you. It's an intrusion of sorts. It's a reasonable risk, since that's how people meet people, but in this case it's more of an intrusion..
"You seem like someone who notices what is going on around you and is aware of other people"- Thank you for that, but I don't feel it's entirely true! Anyway, among "nicer" people a lot of humoring goes on. They can sound really exited when you talk to them, and then turn to their friend and say "That guy was talking to be about math for half an hour. What a weirdo", and their real opinions are unknown to you..
"But if the person responds.."- I was actually thinking more of a group, where it's a little harder to tell..
"Larry's problem was that even once he saw he wasn't welcome.."- I honestly don't feel they made it sufficiently clear to him..!
"I used to watch the Pinky and the Brain when I was little"- Oh, great. I was actually wondering if someone your age would be familiar with it.. ..man, that was one bad-a-- show..
"by the way, your previous post was quite interesting"- Oh, why thank you Hannah. I was working on it for a day or two, but then by the time I finally had it up i had something else on my mind that I wanted to post first. But don't worry, I definitely intend to put it back up after this.. ..I guess then you can tell me what about that you found interesting! : P
"You're risking rejection for the possibility of acceptance." -- Everything in life is a risk.
"Let's say you're a mathematician who can only talk about math (not to mention being ugly) and the woman you chose to speak to takes no interest in math or you." -- Who cares if he's ugly? If all he can talk about is math, he stands no chance already, whether he is ugly or good-looking.
"They can sound really exited when you talk to them, and then turn to their friend and say "That guy was talking to be about math for half an hour. What a weirdo", and their real opinions are unknown to you.." -- Yeah, girls can be nasty like that. What you don't know doesn't hurt you though... I think... I still think though that you can tell pretty well if a person or a group is interested in talking or not. I don't know; maybe it's a girl thing to analyze every word and every gesture and the tone of voice.
"I was actually thinking more of a group, where it's a little harder to tell.." -- Approaching a group of girls is a very frightening thing. :]
"I honestly don't feel they made it sufficiently clear to him..!" -- It was clear enough for us to get it. I mean, just look at the Brain's expression every time he says Larry's name. It's obvious that including him isn't something he really wants to do.
You wrote at the end of the post that you weren't sure about posting it, so I thought you might have just deleted it on second thought or something.
By the way, I was talking to one of my friends yesterday and this topic somehow came up.
She told me that she was once at a singles Shabbaton, but she wasn't really there to mingle. As she was talking to one of her female friends about something, a guy came up out of nowhere and started talking to them, even though they obviously had no interest in talking to him. I don't think he took their looks of surprise as a hint.
See, that's the kind of thing I see as just being evil. If you're by a singles event it's reasonable to assume you're there to meet singles. They can't say "ugh, what a Larry, can't he see I'm not here to socialize?" If a guy is already going to a "singles event" then they're almost definitely a "Larry" to begin with, so he can't be expected to try to decipher from her eyes whether she's actually not interested in speaking to him (I mean, hey, some people naturally look mad), so..
One of those girls was helping to organize the event I think, and the other was also helping out, so they had a reason to be there, even though they were not looking to meet anyone there.
I think the problem was not in the fact that he approached him, but in the way that he did so. They were having a conversation between themselves, one on one, and he just butted in and started chatting away. Instead of listening to what they were saying and then trying to gracefully ease into the conversation by making a relevant comment, he just walked up to them randomly with the assumption that they would be fascinated by what he had to say.
What a Larry... ; )
I know exactly what you mean. I'm the same type where I won't talk to people who I believe aren't interested. Lots of times if I start talking, I'm afraid I'm talking too much, so I'll finish it off and stop. There are signs that you can tell if people are disinterested, one major one is if their eyes start wandering to other places. (only online will I say a lot, I could actually never talk straight the amount that I type, because online your not forcing anyone to read it/listen to it).
Shlomo: btw, what happened to the Sabra's blog? I see 26 posts in my feed reader, last one from 10 days ago. But then I tried to go to it, and it says invited readers only?
JS: Hey. Sorry 'bout that delay (it's just that after you read an email in gmail it becomes very faded and it's hard to notice anymore). Yeah, I think many people write blogs for that reason; there's no "real life" crowd that would listen to them, so they write. ..I mean, if I had a group of loyal deciples I wouldn't be writing a blog either!
But seriously, just because people look away for a second doesn't mean they're driftng off...or does it..? Though the truth is it is good to be as "entertaining" as possible when talking to people.
In regards to Sabra: She seems to be somewhat sporatic about her blog. I don't think this is the first time she's privatized her blog for a period. There are some ideas she wishes to write about that are very personal to her (death, etc).
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