תמליכו חברכם עליכם

Very concisely- there was a girl I went out with in Miami two years ago (someone who has been specifically mentioned here quite a few times), but who I wish to mention now in a different context) who ultimately felt I was lacking in certain elemental interpersonal traits. She wrote me an email of lessons and teachings for myself improvement upon the commencing of our short tenure together. I would like to quote a small piece of it and comment a bit- this is just a sampling of it:

"As a mother raises her child, she usually teaches him how to act. She lavishes him with care and in return demands/expects gratitude. All people need appreciation, usually more than “thank-you” but a genuine empathy and appreciation. Of course it is impossible to re-raise a grown person.

But a good exercise in learning to think this way could be to get in the habit of thinking about and vocalizing one nice thing about each person you meet.
At first it might seem forced or artificial but soon it will become a permanent habit in life.

Tell the bagboy at the grocery that you appreciate what a nice job he his doing for you.

Another important character trait is empathy. When you see another human being, think about what it is like to be them. What is it like to be the Janitor cleaning the bathrooms?

How can you improve his day?

What could you do to help make his job easier? after all, without the proper circumstances in life, you could spend YOUR life cleaning toilets. How would you like to be treated as you were cleaning toilets?

...So much so that we as Jews who were created in and should behave in a manner that is in accordance with Hashem’s image, should lavish kindness upon every person we meet, Jew, Gentile, brilliant or retarded. And as we treat others, Hashem judges and treats us. This is just basic Judaism.

...Observing that someone is serving you and getting up to help is along the same vein. Not just in a home, but even in a restaurant."

I was thinking last night (in Starbucks Coffee) when my thank you was a bit lacking to the one who made the coffee for me about what it says here- namely that even a thank you is not good enough, you have to 1. Really feel that he's doing you an unnecessary favor that you don't deserve, and 2. You have to make him feel appreciated.I was thinking, that when it says "תמליכו חברכם עליכם", does that mean just to people who are older than you? Just to Rabbis? Just to Jews? It means everybody. Would a king make you coffee? Well he is! The least you can do is be thankful for it!

Another thing that came to my mind was that when I worked in a restaurant there were obviously people who said things that made me happier than others. I personally enjoyed when people were playful, but it's hard to say everyone enjoys that. One thing I think most people enjoy is (like I said) to seem very appreciative of the service being done. Now, of course there's no need to be gay about it (I use "gay" to mean "overly nice", or unusually friendly), but I was thinking you can say something like "oh man! You're a lifesaver!", or "ahh, this is really good! You da man!", or something along those lines (of course the exact wording would have to change based on apparent "cultural preferences"/gender of the person serving you).

But then again, it must be stated that people have vastly differing personalities, and different people are more or less comfortable saying certain things, and different people are more or less happy to hear certain things. Example: the girl I'm speaking of lived in an upscale part of Miami where there was a guarded gate at the entrance. She smiled and waved at the guard every time she came in our out (in her car). I on the other hand don't feel I would really have the 'audacity' to do that kind of thing every time (not to mention the 'gay-ness' involved!).

So I still don't think it's a set science how you should act or what you should tell 'service providers', but as long as one sticks to the guidelines initially laid out, it would be well-alright.